back to the core

© amy pang

I took some wrong turns over the past twenty years. bad decisions. while, yes, everything that has happened has been for a purpose - I get that - I wish I could've been a little wiser. small ways. such as:

being content with the present. I spent too much time mired in the what could've been and the what could happen. and because I was wrapped up in regret and speculation, I was unable to take in what surrounds me daily, currently, all the time.

not settling at my expense. I'm a peacemaker. I don't like conflict. I cared too much about what people thought of me; I could not bear the thought of anyone thinking ill of me for being myself. so I hid myself for years. it was further reinforced when I offered an opinion and was dismissed. and I went along with the tide even though I wanted to be anchored elsewhere.

accepting myself. this goes hand in hand with the former two. I was unable to be at peace with myself. I didn't like living with myself. I tried to find purpose in helping others, but that was because I found myself unworthy of help.

I'm working on all three. I can be happy with where I am and not apologize for not needing or wanting more. I can be a compassionate, thoughtful person without hurting myself. I'm letting myself be okay with being vulnerable.

and I have to say, I am happy.